The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

A Spoiler-y Review

I'm just gonna get this out of the way right off the top as this movie was at least partially written by Joss Whedon. He has a brilliant creative mind but is a trash human. I've been a fan of his work since watching Angel and then Buffy, Serenity and then Firefly, then Dollhouse, The Avengers, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (which yes, he only worked on the first bit of, but still). However, unless I can get it for free, I won't be consuming anything else he manages to make if he ever manages to recover from the most recent, uhm, drama or whatever. I saw The Cabin in the Woods pretty soon after it came out in 2011, purchased the Blu-Ray, and now watch it every year as my Halloween movie. Whedon was the main reason I even watching The Cabin in the Woods in the first place, but I can mostly manage to separate this piece of art from the creator at this point, so... yeah. Let's all acknowledge this and move on.

I have never really been a fan of horror movies. Gimme vampires and werewolves and witches, sure, but straight up horror flicks... nope. Do not want or like. I do not need to be creeped out in my own home, thanks. That said, The Cabin in the Woods is definitely a horror movie and I absolutely love it.

In addition to the horror elements, the story-line also kind of commentates on and kind of flips the traditional narrative. I also like that it undercuts the horror with some comedy bits and gives the horror additional meaning. I mean, horror basically existing in that universe as a ritual sacrifice to the Ancients/Old Gods is definitely meaningful.

So, the A Plot of The Cabin in the Woods follows the traditional horror movie cast, who, it turns out, are not actually as traditional as it seems at first glance. They do all the horror movie things of going out into the middle of nowhere, start chilling at their vacation home, and, of course, essentially choosing how they die. They then have to deal with the consequences of that choice, which is where the murder and mayhem start to happen.

The B Plot of The Cabin in the Woods follows the facilitators of our horror movie. The people who have set up the entire scheme from beginning to end... which usually works, of course. They've got their ways of making sure the sacrifice goes off without a hitch and ways of blowing off steam afterward. We don't get exact specifics on everything they do, but we do get enough to understand the hows and whys and infer the rest.

I honestly think the real fun begins when the two plots merge. The remaining pair from the A Plot manage to find their way down into the control center's office building and basically set it on fire. Like, yes, it is the climax of the movie, but I just think it's more interesting than either plot on its own. There are so many references to so many movies and just pop-culture horror things that it's fun to watch. And, ya know, chaotic wholesale murder of a whole building full of people who are basically murdering college students every year is kind of cathartic. I haven't gone so far as to pause during the elevator scene to see how many monsters I recognize, but I do definitely try to look in a different part of the screen each year, see if I see something new.

I won't give away the very ending, for those who haven't seen it, but it is probably my favorite ending to a horror movie I've seen. I think The Cabin in the Woods does horror movie commentary a lot better than something like Scary Movie, to be honest. I haven't seen Scary Movie in years, but I don't remember liking it very much... but again, not a big horror movie fan. I might appreciate it more now, but I also don't feel the need to seek it out so... yeah.

If you need more than that to draw you in... Chris Hemsworth is in it. Basically pre-Thor. And Amy Acker, who is fantastic, as she always is. Richard Jenkins, who apparently was in Dhamer recently, and Bradley Whitford, most recently in The Handmaid's Tale. Seriously awesome actors in this thing. Looked like they had fun doing it, too, which is a plus.

I highly recommend giving The Cabin in the Woods a watch, if you haven't already.

Granny Bael by Lauren Patzer

A Semi-Spoilery Review

Spoilers at the very end, after a warning

So, those of you who pay attention to the name of the author and the name of the reviewer probably noticed that we have the same last name. Yes, the author, Lauren Patzer, is my dad. And yes, I am incredibly proud of him for writing a book (and all the other stuff he’s up to). However, that does not mean I’m going to be super complimentary about the book… I honestly didn’t like it and there’s no sense in lying about that. I have my reasons, which the following review will outline. I will also be up front about the fact that most of my issues are structural. I don’t normally talk about structure in my reviews because it’s not usually an issue. For Granny Bael, it really was.

I honestly felt a lack of immersion. There’s little description of setting other than what comes out of character’s mouths… and that’s not much aside from “Tugville sucks.” Specific settings just don’t feel like there’s much life in them. There’s a reliance on character dialogue over narration. Unless it’s a random flashback… but that’s a whole other thing. There's also a lack of atmosphere. Now, I will say, part of this is the physical book itself -- the paper is just so very, very white as compared to what I'm used to reading. However, I never felt like there was a sense of foreboding or urgency or any real sense of THIS IS A PLACE... if that makes sense. Even Granny's big murder spree was kind of like "ah, yes, a body-count of randos who obviously have no idea what I'm talking about is in order." I'm not even sure of the scale of that murder spree until much later and even then it's just... town full of people we don't care about is now wiped out and I really don't feel it at all.

 

The point of view shifts are jumpy as all get out.  Some are almost like it’d supposed to be camera shots, but they don’t really land well. I had to reread a couple times to make sure that’s what was going on. Also, there’s not a lot of clear delineation between the jumps. Just suddenly you’re reading from another character’s perspective. On a similar note, I had the same problem with the flashbacks. There is no obvious differentiation between the past and the present.

There is a severe lack of focus as far as characters go. Are we supposed to be invested in the kids or the adults? I ended up invested in neither. The way the characters are introduced and explained kind of brings to mind a TV show in the way things the focus jumps between groups of people, but it really doesn’t help the narrative. There are just too many of them. American Elsewhere handled switching if POVs a lot better. Monstrous Beauty handled the concurrent stories in different timelines a lot better. I’m sure there are more examples, those are just my most recent reads so… closer to the forefront of my mind. One thing both books had in common: Limited POVs. Granny Bael does not have that.

Character motivations in certain spots is like whiplash. Car blows up, I gotta go take down my father RIGHT NOW. Police are dealing with my foster family, gotta go deal with Granny Bael RIGHT NOW. I’m sorry, what? You were leaving town but now that the bus is dead, we suddenly have to go back. Yup, all these decisions make perfect sense. And these three are just the ones I’ve remembered. I definitely think this is a failing on the POV issue. If we were following one character through the events, these decisions might have made sense because we'd be in that character's head getting to see what was going on that led to the decision. There is some attempt at this but it's not nearly enough, in my opinion.

Overall, I will say the writing wasn't bad. It wasn't the best I've ever read, but it wasn't so bad that I had to put Granny Bael in my DNF pile. I didn't have to force myself to keep reading. I genuinely wanted to know how the thing would end. I was a little surprised when it kept going after a certain point, and I guess I'm happy with a certain character regaining her agency... and with there being two Final Girls.

Yeah… I wasn’t a fan of Granny Bael. The character or the book. I finished it mainly because I wanted to see what would happen… which I’m also mostly “meh” about. The Epilogue seems to be setting up a sequel which I won't be reading. I don’t actually know as I have discussed none of this with the author, not even the opinions you just read… but yeah, anyway. I would have loved to recommend Granny Bael, but I really just can't bring myself to do it.

The following paragraphs contain spoilers because I really want to talk about the antagonists.

Antagonist number one: the Mcphersons. They’re mostly a blip, but also super gross. Apparently murder and cannibalism are just fine with them, which is gross and lamp-shaded. Doesn’t make it better. Not even sure their arrest during this makes it better... I'm gonna just head-canon that they were murdered by Granny Bael at some stage during this. 

Antagonist number two: Granny Bael. I would really have liked a backstory for her. Probably would have made her a better antagonist. Mostly she’s just menacing because she’ll burn anyone. Her ending with Abigail would probably have felt all the more justified if we got more than just “she was burned at the stake for things she didn’t do.” 

Antagonist number three: Elbert Dawkins. Le sigh. Just… gross. And not even any kind of interesting gross. Just plain old gross, powerful, apparently crazy dude. Can’t even be the littlest bit charismatic or interesting. Nope, just gets his way because he has money. I don't even want a backstory for him. He deserves what he ends up with, even if it is kind of Prometheus-y.

Monstrous Beauty by Elizabeth Fama

A Spoiler Free Review

I quite enjoyed Monstrous Beauty. It’s a departure from my recent readings of vampires and witches. In fact, aside from the mermaids and ghosts, there’s not really a lot of magic in this. That’s not a bad thing. It definitely works as story mostly grounded in our reality.

I thought Hester’s job was interesting. Or at least, getting to see some behind the scenes on that job was interesting. Interpreting historical characters definitely isn’t a job many people are familiar with and very few have. I certainly haven’t read many characters with such a different job.

I thought Hester and Ezra’s love story was handled fairly well, especially coupled with the Syrenka/Ezra story and the inkling I had about Hester. Turned out I was right, so that’s fun. I don’t have any real feelings about Hester and Peter as a couple. Peter seems sweet enough but is also blank enough as a character that I’m just kind of shrugging in his direction.

Eleanor and Noo’kas as antagonists were alright. I feel like Eleanor was more fleshed out than Noo’kas, who I originally thought was some kind of mermaid god at first. I definitely didn’t like either of them, but I felt more dislike for Eleanor. Noo’kas was introduced as an antagonist too late in the game, I think was most of the problem with her. Well, that and those Jaba the Hutt type characters never end up winning so… yeah.

I think that’s in on this one. Not a whole lot to discuss without getting into spoilers. Monstrous Beauty was pretty good and definitely worth a read.

Doctor Who: The Power of the Doctor

A Review with a Spoiler Section

It may or may not come as a surprise that I am a big Doctor Who fan. I've been watching the show since about 2008. My Doctor, as we say in the fandom, is David Tennant, though I am not so fanatic a fan as to want him back in the role unless there's a very good reason. The Doctor changes and I'm fine with that. Tennant is just my favorite.

Anyway, The Power of the Doctor. I thought it was fantastic. I didn't immediately have any issues with the plot and I was pretty much sucked in from the first minute. All good signs. I cried several times throughout, which doesn't actually happen often with Doctor Who. In finales, kind of like this one, yes, but it's still a rare enough occurrence for this series. I thought the stakes were well balanced. The usual "End of Earth" thing mixed with the more personal stakes for The Doctor and her Companions. The Power of the Doctor definitely ticked all my boxes.

As mainly a fan of the current run of Doctor Who, I'm not nearly as invested in the returning Companion characters as some. Like, I know who Tegan and Ace are and I have watched a few of their episodes, but I don't have any real emotional connection with either. However, I think their return was handled really well and their emotional bits with the Doctor's AI Hologram thingy both made me cry. The Doctor's reaction to seeing them again was, ya know, on par for current Doctors and their absolute shock at encountering former Companions. Jodi did a good job with that, I thought.

The villains! The CyberMasters looked pretty good. I actually like the spiky shoulder plates and the Time Lord headpieces actually look quite nice on them. Not sure they needed the Time Lord scrolling on their bodies, but it looked alright. I have never been the biggest fan of the Daleks. I find them to be more annoying than actually threatening most of the time. However, I think they were used well here. Not too much and mostly in the background. The Master was at his most manic and creepy here. I will get more into him later, as digging into that is going to be spoilery. Sacha Dhawan has been my favorite incarnation of The Master and he continues to bring it in this episode.

 

HERE THERE BE SPOILERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, so, I was actually really worried Kate might actually be Cyberized. Like, I was so in the moment I didn't even think she might end up okay. Also, Kate's one of those characters who pops up every now and again but isn't a Companion in the strictest sense, so the possibility of us losing her was very real to me. I'm very, very glad we get to keep Kate, cuz she's awesome.

I was extremely happy to see the former Doctors show up. Was definitely not expecting to see any of them. They made me laugh, they made me cry. I will second The Doctor's assertion about using the hologram thingy to confuse the CyberMasters. That was brilliant and the Jo Martin Doctor is up there with my favorites so I was very happy to see her. Speaking of favorites... I also second David Tennant's "What? What? What?" there at the end. The fangirls finally got their wish and we get Tennant back as The Doctor for another outing, even if it is only the 60th anniversary. Happy to see him back, can't wait to see what happens with him.

Okay, so I promised more Master discussion. OMG, Sacha Dhawan definitely brought it this episode. He was shades of Missy mad. I honestly want him to play Rasputin for real at some stage. He looked awesome. I do have to say, though, if he wanted to destroy The Doctor's reputation, he could have just started traveling around saying he was The Doctor and wrecking shit that way. The way he did it was interesting and I get that he also wanted to destroy her in the process, just seemed like he did it the hard way. Also, that outfit. Probably one of the best ALL THE DOCTORS mashup cosplays ever. It managed to look good while at the same time definitely highlighting The Master's unhinged-ness.

I was very happy with Dan and Yaz's departures. I would probably quit the TARDIS, too, after basically being shot in the face. I'm very, very glad Yaz got to leave of her own free will. Extra glad she had an immediate support group upon leaving. Lord knows she needs it. Also, that Companion Support Group was just the best. I was thinking about it while I was going to sleep last night and I got really sad (and again as I'm typing this) about the fact that we lost Elisabeth Sladen a few years ago, because Sarah Jane would have definitely been at that group. It makes perfect sense to me that Graham would be the one to finally set one of these things up.

So, yeah, those are my thoughts on The Power of the Doctor. I'd love to know what ya'll thought about it. I'm sure I won't be finding out via the interwebs, at least not until I listen to the single Doctor Who podcast I still listen to. Everyone just seems to be gushing about House of the Dragon right now... not that I blame them, but still.

Werewolf By Night on Disney+

A Spoiler Free Review 

This was a delightful, fairly short film. There is a bit of gore. There are monsters. My suspension of disbelief was only tested once.

I really didn't know what to expect with this one. I'm not a gigantic comic or werewolf fan, so I'd never heard of Werewolf By Night. All I knew going in was that is was in black and white and there was a werewolf in there somewhere. The "creep factor" was also understood. It's October and it's literally called "Werewolf By Night" so... yeah. Obvious. The choice to go with black and white for this film was a good one, I think. It did minimize the gore factor because, due to everything being in color these days, we're so used to seeing the blood stand out. It definitely didn't, even in the one instance where it was splashed on the camera. Werewolf By Night just didn't feel gory. And, ya know, the black and white just added to the atmosphere.

The setting was pretty cool. I liked the faux Egyptian decor on that entryway. The maze was cool on the overhead shot. The tomb Elsa and Jack find themselves in was interesting. Don't think I've ever seen back-lit name plates before. Looked good with the black and white though. I thought the multi-purpose room with all the monster heads was interesting. Jack had an interesting change in reaction to those when they showed up later in the film as opposed to his original reaction.

I thought the hunter characters were real bland. We got an proper introduction to three of them, two of whom are the main characters. Otherwise, they were just set-dressing and monster-fodder. The main villain of the piece was likewise fairly bland, if eccentric. The Bloodstone is confusing to me. It isn't really explained exactly what it can do, but it does do a couple different things. It's just referred to as "a powerful weapon." Also, does it come with an instruction manual? Cuz there were also chants involved... I get that it's supposed to be passed down through the family, so I assume there's training involved, too... but yeah... not a fan of it, really.

I did like Elsa and Jack as protagonists. Elsa was just my kind of jaded femme fetale type. Just completely done with all the nonsense but forced to deal with it anyway. Jack was somewhat amusing and pretty smart. He's so obviously the fish out of water in the beginning, it amused me. Also, I like Ted. Pretty sure everyone liked Ted.

The fight scenes were fun. I definitely knew someone was getting their arm chopped off when he's seen reaching around a door. There is a spot in there where one of the background baddies just kind of throws his weapon aside for no readily explained reason... Like, while he was being focused on by the camera. It was one of the few spots where I yelled at the TV during this. I mentioned in my opening that my suspension of disbelief was tested once, that was with Elsa's head. She definitely should have been more injured from being slammed into a concrete/rock surface multiple times.

The werewolf did not disappoint. Like I said before, I'm not a big werewolf fan, however, I have also seen enough on screen to have opinions. This werewolf was properly werewolf-y. No skinny, hairless varieties here. The werewolf was nice and hairy with a nice, in-between kind of face. Definitely more of your classic horror movie werewolf than most modern interpretations. I also enjoyed how much the werewolf jumped around, utilizing the environment instead of just plowing through the requisite goons squad on foot. Not entirely sure some of the parkour was really necessary, but it was fun to watch.

I honestly think that's all I can get into without spoilers. Highly recommend watching. It's definitely different than anything Disney's put out in the MCU so far. And it's short! About the same amount of time as an episode of Game of Thrones or whatever.

Arceus Adventures: Stunning Drapion

On my days off, I have been mainlining Pokemon Legends: Arceus. It is my goal to actually finish a Pokedex for once. Not sure if these are gonna be regular posts, but I had this idea, so here we go.

For those of you not aware, Pokemon Legends: Arceus has a Pokedex that's unlike any other. It's a checklist of tasks you must complete to complete the research on a Pokemon rather than just catching them and calling it a day. One of these tasks is stunning a Pokemon by throwing items at it a certain number of times.

The Pokemon: Drapion

The most accessible Drapion resides in the Cobalt Coastlands. Specifically Gingko Landing. It is usually surrounded by a few Skorupi, it's unevovled forms. This Drapion is an Alpha Pokemon, another one of Pokemon Legends: Arceus' quirky things. Basically, it's big, it's angry, it will "kill" you.

First attempts involve battling all the Skorupi so I no longer have to deal with them. This does not work. They respawn really fast. Also, in finding this out, I often ended up in battles with maybe 2 Skorupi AND the Drapion, which I do not want to be battling. Just a clusterfuck, if ever there was one.

My final batch of attempts involve running straight up to the Drapion and pelting it with Sticky Globs. This works... kind of.

I run up to the Drapion. I throw a Sticky Glob. The notification pops up that I've managed to stun it. I back off so it can recover. I have to start rolling around immediately, because, of course, on this final batch of attempts, one of the Skorupi turns out to ALSO be an Alpha Pokemon. Just. My. Luck.

I have to stun Drapion a further 7 times after this in order to complete my task. It's an absolute miracle I didn't "die" while throwing Sticky Globs and being shot at with poison!

In the end, I managed to succeed in stunning Drapion the requisite number of times and then noped out of there. The things one must do in this game, I swear...

Death’s Mistress by Karen Chance

A Spoiler Free Re-read Review

Death’s Mistress is a lot of running around. Detective Dory on the case with her headless sidekick! It’s fun and chaotic in a good way. At least Dory has a path she’s more or less following, so we get to follow along with her.

I am ridiculously glad Dory, Louis-Cesare, and Radu actually manage to talk their shit out and give each other info. This makes me happy. Would have been better if it had happened at the fricking start, but, ya know, considering how little this shit tends to happen, I’ll take what I can get.

Christine… look, I’m not a fan of religious characters. Especially ones who are suuuuper devoted to their deities. Especially ones who decide they are monsters because of what they are due to that religion. Especially when your religion is predicated on a deity who, ya know, “has a plan for you” but apparently that plan is thwarted because you've decided your life path isn't part of the plan you don't have any details of… but I’m digressing. Anyway… Christine reminds me of Anne Rice’s Louis. All self-deprecating and depression over being a vampire. Like, seriously, if you’re THAT depressed about it and already believe you’re damned, just kill yourself. Save everyone the trouble of taking care of the mess that is you. And then there’s that thing that is brought to light later… that was semi-interesting. Interesting enough to want to discuss but… spoilers. I would also like to take this opportunity to say: suicide is not a way out for humans. Don’t do it. Please get help. You are not a self-hating vampire. Thank you.

The politics in here do not excite me. I’ve never been one for politics. Especially vampire politics, which I imagine are similar but more complicated than human politics. Complicated by actual power dynamic, like, magical power.

The side effects of fey wine on Dory in this book… uh… they’re random as fuck. Like, they definitely serve some of the emotional plot’s purpose, but… they happen randomly and it’s weird. I do think it’s interesting that Dory’s only NOW discovering that vampires still have human emotions.

After Cassie’s ride through the Ley Lines, Dory gets a crash-course in the sport. Because reasons. I wasn’t a big fan of this part and it really just seemed like a non-sequitur for most of it. Literally just a long setup for a murder reveal. Speaking of Cassie, I do wonder what she’s up to during this fiasco. She is mentioned, but it’s really just a mention. But yay, Cassie reference!

Geminus is super creepy in a “not only am I gonna assault you but I’m gonna turn you into artwork” kind of way. And, like, kudos to Geminus for creating a new type of artwork, but… ew.

As much as I love creatures from non-western mythologies being brought in, I would also love for the authors to do a little more than cursory research on them. The luduan is described as a dog (dog-ish) whereas “actual” luduan are deer-like creatures. They’re depicted looked a lot like the shisa or Chinese guardian lions, so I understand the mixup. But still, a look at the wikipedia article would have cleared that up. But, ya know, otherwise, pretty good job using a non-western mythological creature.

But yeah, those are my thoughts on Death’s Mistress. I will add that I’m not exactly a fan of info-dump endings, but this one is alright. Only alright. Not the best ever. And the villain of the piece… well… there was a rant. 

Favorite Line

“Sycophants are always easy to find. They are also easily swayed by the next power who promises them more.” - Mircea Basarab