The Flash (2023)

The other day, my boyfriend decided he was going to watch The Flash despite basically hearing that it was a dumpster fire and, ya know, despite the whole Ezra Miller thing. If you hadn't heard, it turns out Ezra Miller is a trash human being. He also, if you didn't know, is the star of The Flash. So anyway, we sat down to watch The Flash. I had zero problems with this because I have historically actually enjoyed a lot of "trash fire" "genre" movies. And yes, "genre" is in quotes because frickin everything's a "genre" and calling Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Super Hero movies "genre" is just dumb.

So anyway, we watched The Flash and... it's not that bad actually. The following review contains spoilers. You've been warned.

Not gonna lie, I think the fact that we watched it in the comfort of our own home with the ability to both pause and talk over it made it more fun that it might have been otherwise. I dunno, because I watched it the way I watched it. There were parts where I had to explain to the perpetually drunk man because he'd zoned out or something... and there were a couple parts we "rewound" for funsies or clarification. But yeah, we had a lot of fun.

That being said, pretty much all the CG was a dumpster fire. I watched a good chunk of The Flash on The CW (the TV show) and their CG was better. So, ya know, not great for what was supposed to be a really big movie for the WB, or whatever the company's name is now. The babies in the big "save the babies" scene were faker than Bradley Cooper's baby in American Sniper. The alternate universe stuff at the end was hard to watch. Heck, the entirety of the alternate timeline stuff inside the Speed Force was hard to watch. I honestly didn't enjoy the big fight against the Kryptonians, either. Not sure if that was a CG issue or just the 50th Flash fight scene and it was just real old at that point issue... but whatever.

Alt Barry's laugh was hella annoying. It wasn't as prevalent as I had been lead to believe by Honest Trailers on YouTube, but yes it was annoying. His character... I honestly don't know what to think about it. Obviously Alt Barry didn't have the same maturing crap happen in his past, so he's gonna be more immature than Barry, but... yeah. I guess he was no more annoying than your average stoner college kid.

I really liked Michael Keaton back as Batman. I'm not really super nostalgic for him as a lot of fans, but he was fun. The fight scene in the kitchen was amusing and probably would have been more effective if they hadn't plastered Michael Keaton's face all over the promotional material. It's clear from the "never show his face" thing during that fight that he was supposed to be a surprise but... yeah. I especially liked his spaghetti analogy for the time-travel/alternate universe stuff. Fits right in with my other favorite quote about Time:

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbley-wobbly, timey-whimey, stuff." - The Doctor, Doctor Who

Also, the Batwing was the best Batwing ever. Like, that's what I'm looking for in my Batman. Not the latest in military tech, just a semi-realistic plane shaped like a bat. That I had nostalgia for. On a side note: my boyfriend did not recognize the Hans Zimmer Batman theme and I was very disappointed in him.

Supergirl was cool. No notes.

I was also completely forgot about the George Clooney cameo at the end and was alternately surprised and like "oh yeah..." about it. I definitely have a controversial view on George Clooney as Batman... I liked him in that movie even though that movie was definitely a dumpster fire. Still want my Bat-fleck movie, though...

Oh, and I did not think the Wonder Woman cameo deserved the music sting. It was very out of place. The Lasso of Truth bit here was loads funnier than the one in Justice League.

My boyfriend was very, very confused as to why Nick Cage was included in the alternate timelines at the end. I was highly amused and barely able to explain so... that was fun.

From my admittedly limited, casual Flash fan lens, I don't think the story really suffered from not having The Reverse Flash instead of Alt Barry. I have never really understood Reverse Flash's motivation in fucking up Barry's life, so having it be Barry the entire time made more sense to me. Also admittedly, this isn't a pure Flashpoint story... but it essentially is. Barry's motivation is obviously the same, even though he goes about it differently than more traditional Flashpoint story-lines do. I also clocked Alt Barry as whatever iteration of The Flash pushed Barry out of the Speed Force as soon as Alt Barry got shrapnel stuck in his arm... it was really obvious, though my boyfriend was more surprised a little later...

But yeah... I didn't absolutely hate The Flash. I probably won't watch it again unless my boyfriend decides that's something he needs to do. I wasn't even planning to write this review until it kept popping into my head so... yeah.

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special

I am not an fan of holiday movies, to be completely honest with you. I find them overly saccharine, often with ridiculously bad dialogue, and find them just plain cringy to watch. This was not the case with The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special. My boyfriend and I loved it. Definitely adding it to our very small list of acceptable holiday movies.

I liked watching Drax and Mantis interact on their own. They’re really an interesting MCU pair. Both odd in their own ways. I’m also glad they’re clearly a platonic match-up. Not enough of those in the world, I think. But anyway, watching them handle the Hollywood culture and then the Christmas culture while being mostly oblivious to both was fun.

My boyfriend’s a big fan of the Nowhere set once it was all lit up with Christmas lights. I’m a big fan of Mantis’ little bow-apron thingie. If I thought I could pull that off, I would try. It’s so cute! Her whole Christmas outfit was just perfect.

The story itself was amusing. I really like the idea of Drax and Mantis hating actors but also being completely oblivious to the fact that Kevin Bacon is an actor. That all Peter’s heroes were actors, really. It amused me. It was also really sweet of Mantis to want to make Peter’s Christmas a happy one. Little odd that no one really thought about Mantis also being Ego’s kid, but I guess I didn’t really either… just seemed really obvious when she said it. Though, now I’m thinking about it, she definitely could have just been someone Ego picked up somewhere, so yeah… anyway…

If you haven’t seen The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, I definitely recommend that you do. It’s sweet and fun but not overly cringy. Definitely an awesome addition to any holiday movie watching you might be doing.

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

A Spoiler-y Review

I'm just gonna get this out of the way right off the top as this movie was at least partially written by Joss Whedon. He has a brilliant creative mind but is a trash human. I've been a fan of his work since watching Angel and then Buffy, Serenity and then Firefly, then Dollhouse, The Avengers, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (which yes, he only worked on the first bit of, but still). However, unless I can get it for free, I won't be consuming anything else he manages to make if he ever manages to recover from the most recent, uhm, drama or whatever. I saw The Cabin in the Woods pretty soon after it came out in 2011, purchased the Blu-Ray, and now watch it every year as my Halloween movie. Whedon was the main reason I even watching The Cabin in the Woods in the first place, but I can mostly manage to separate this piece of art from the creator at this point, so... yeah. Let's all acknowledge this and move on.

I have never really been a fan of horror movies. Gimme vampires and werewolves and witches, sure, but straight up horror flicks... nope. Do not want or like. I do not need to be creeped out in my own home, thanks. That said, The Cabin in the Woods is definitely a horror movie and I absolutely love it.

In addition to the horror elements, the story-line also kind of commentates on and kind of flips the traditional narrative. I also like that it undercuts the horror with some comedy bits and gives the horror additional meaning. I mean, horror basically existing in that universe as a ritual sacrifice to the Ancients/Old Gods is definitely meaningful.

So, the A Plot of The Cabin in the Woods follows the traditional horror movie cast, who, it turns out, are not actually as traditional as it seems at first glance. They do all the horror movie things of going out into the middle of nowhere, start chilling at their vacation home, and, of course, essentially choosing how they die. They then have to deal with the consequences of that choice, which is where the murder and mayhem start to happen.

The B Plot of The Cabin in the Woods follows the facilitators of our horror movie. The people who have set up the entire scheme from beginning to end... which usually works, of course. They've got their ways of making sure the sacrifice goes off without a hitch and ways of blowing off steam afterward. We don't get exact specifics on everything they do, but we do get enough to understand the hows and whys and infer the rest.

I honestly think the real fun begins when the two plots merge. The remaining pair from the A Plot manage to find their way down into the control center's office building and basically set it on fire. Like, yes, it is the climax of the movie, but I just think it's more interesting than either plot on its own. There are so many references to so many movies and just pop-culture horror things that it's fun to watch. And, ya know, chaotic wholesale murder of a whole building full of people who are basically murdering college students every year is kind of cathartic. I haven't gone so far as to pause during the elevator scene to see how many monsters I recognize, but I do definitely try to look in a different part of the screen each year, see if I see something new.

I won't give away the very ending, for those who haven't seen it, but it is probably my favorite ending to a horror movie I've seen. I think The Cabin in the Woods does horror movie commentary a lot better than something like Scary Movie, to be honest. I haven't seen Scary Movie in years, but I don't remember liking it very much... but again, not a big horror movie fan. I might appreciate it more now, but I also don't feel the need to seek it out so... yeah.

If you need more than that to draw you in... Chris Hemsworth is in it. Basically pre-Thor. And Amy Acker, who is fantastic, as she always is. Richard Jenkins, who apparently was in Dhamer recently, and Bradley Whitford, most recently in The Handmaid's Tale. Seriously awesome actors in this thing. Looked like they had fun doing it, too, which is a plus.

I highly recommend giving The Cabin in the Woods a watch, if you haven't already.

Artemis Fowl

Here be spoilers for books and movie. You have been warned.

Alrighty so, this was the movie I originally had picked as my first movie review for this blog. Figured if I was going to reread/finish reading the Artemis Fowl series, I would subject myself to the movie as well. I knew it was going to be bad. I'd heard through the internet that it was bad but I hadn't looked at any reviews or anything. I also knew that "perceived fan wisdom" (to borrow a phrase from Verity! a Doctor Who Podcast) is often wrong. They were not wrong about this adaptation of Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why Disney decided to change the plot to fundamentally. Was it to make Artemis more likeable? Was it to give him something to do? Was it to give Colin Farrell more screen-time? Whatever it was, Disney completely botched this one. Not only was the plot changed, but, as a result, Artemis himself was changed. Book Artemis would not have recognized his movie counterpart. Or, if he did, he would have been extremely dismissive of him. Movie Artemis is much more emotional, physically active, and not exactly less intelligent, but definitely not as focused through that intelligence. I honestly can't see Movie Artemis robbing a bank, for instance. He doesn't show any of the ingenuity Book Artemis does. He spends more time spouting off knowledge apparently gained from his father than figuring anything out for himself. And then he goes and baits Opal there at the end. Just straight up baits her. Book Artemis would never.

Artemis is not the only character changed for this adaptation. Commander Julius Root is now just Commander Root as she is played by Dame Judi Dench. I think Dame Dench does an adequate enough job as Root, but I really think she was cast to put another female in the cast. Speaking of which, Juliet Butler is now 12 instead of 16 and is otherwise pretty unchanged from how she was in Artemis Fowl. I do not, however, actually believe that she is as skilled at martial arts as she should be as she displays absolutely none of this in the movie. Opal Koboi has been reduced to Shadowy Villain We Never See The Face Of But Has A Permanent Voice Changer with more revolutionary sounding plans than just Book Opal's world domination thing. Cudgeon, instead of just being a government toady, is now under Opal's employ for some reason... and Butler... oh Butler... He commands absolutely none of the presence of his book counterpart aaand... Domovoi. Right out the gate, that thing that signals he's in trouble is just trotted out like it's completely normal to refer to him by his first name all the time. Which, in the movie-verse is true, but boy did it bug me every time someone said "Dom." He also shows off none of that Butler prowess, but does fail as a bodyguard at least twice that I decided to count. Second-to-last, Mr. Mulch Diggums. Apparently we couldn't just CG a character for this so instead Mulch is a giant dwarf. Okay, could have lived with that if the rest of the dwarfs had been similarly cast, but they weren't and so it because Mulch's thing apparently. Also, I wasn't sure how they were gonna do Mulch's digging and jaw unhinging thing but... in hindsight, the way they did the digging was fine, but that jaw animation was just weird. Oh, and Foaly was just kinda there.

I'm going to talk about Artemis Sr. separately from everyone else as he's really where the biggest changes are. First, Angeline Fowl has apparently died, so Artemis Sr. is a single father. He's apparently still doing criminal things, though the reasons have definitely shifted. Instead of teaching Artemis everything he knows about how to run a criminal empire, he's taught Artemis everything he knows about fairies. He's definitely more of a loving father than pre-Arctic Incident Book Artemis Sr. was. And then, of course, there's the whole thing about being kidnapped by Opal rather than the Russian Mafia thing... mmm... I didn't like the whole thing with Artemis Sr. and apparently Holly's dead father. Where in the world did that come from? Why could we not have just stuck to the book's plot and not had to shoe-horn that in?

Speaking of plot points... that Aculos. Just... why? Why could we not just have had Mr. Criminal Mastermind do what he did in the books and get ahold of THE BOOK and Holly in order to get the gold? Why did we have to bring in this deus ex machina? Part tech, part magic but apparently the source of all magic? I'm confused as to what the Aculos even is, let alone why it was important.

Speaking of magic... with the loss of a plot involving THE BOOK and kidnapping a fairy for the fairy gold, we lost the magic bit of the plot. No explanation of the rules of magic. No basement cell. No banging bed covering up Mulch's loud activity. No acorn in Holly's boot. Just a sudden "Cut off all magic in the house" so we can have a minute to fear for Butler's life. Like, literally, that was it. Magic reduced to some not-at-all-explained tech gadget in order to endanger Butler's life and then bring him back a minute later. Just... ugh. I'm frustrated at the movie.

However, there were somethings I did enjoy. The L.E.P. suits were pretty. Foaly's hair was nice. His horse-bits animation wasn't jarring. The tech looked alright. I always imagined fairy tech to be more organic looking, but I wasn't super disappointed with how it ended up looking. Their shuttles reminded me of Marvel's Quinjets. The troll looked okay, I guess. I never really thought of them as looking like they stepped out of a Harry Potter movie, though. I also have a question regarding the people who took custody of Mulch. Who were they supposed to be, exactly? Just an unexplained plot point so we could have Mulch basically narrate the story at certain points? Probably.

So, Artemis Fowl wasn't exactly a bad movie, I don't think. It was entertaining enough and I didn't feel the need to turn it off at any point. It was, however, a colossally bad adaptation.

A Star Is Born - 2018

Long story short: I hated this movie.

The Long Story In Which There Will Be Spoilers And Triggers:

So my boyfriend bought this movie on his XBox two days ago, presumably because he's on a Lady Gaga kick. And by that I mean he's been listening to "Hold My Hand" almost nonstop since it came out. I'm tired of listening to it, but that's beside the point. Anyway, he bought this movie and attempted to start watching it with me without telling me what we were about to watch. I grabbed the controller, found out, said no, and went to find something else to watch. Even explained that I had zero interest in watching A Star Is Born and he could watch it the next day while I was at work.

Next morning, he starts it up while we're eating breakfast. I say nothing because I've got about 20 minutes before I have to leave and it's whatever. Something to watch while I eat. I assume he'll finish the movie while I'm gone. He does not. He does watch some of it, but I come home later that evening and he switches from whatever he was watching back to A Star Is Born. Pauses it while I'm in the shower even though I told him he doesn't have to and I wish he wouldn't. I play OviPets after my shower with A Star Is Born playing in the background. He now owes me a Harry Potter movie because he essentially forced me to watch this stupid movie.

I mentioned previously that I had zero interest in watching A Star If Born. This is because A) I had zero interest when it first came out and B) I'd watched a YouTube video on the four versions a few months ago. You can find that video HERE if you're interested. Please do, it's a good video. I knew the basic story line from watching the video and it pretty much solidified that I had zero interest in ever seeing any version of A Star Is Born. I think my reasoning is pretty solid, especially having now seen the movie.

The plot of A Star Is Born (if you haven't seen it) is this: Jack is a pretty famous, drunk singer who stumbles upon a woman (Ally) in a drag bar he ends up in because he wants to be more drunk. Ally, it turns out, can fucking sing. He pretty much falls in love with her and her voice and takes her on tour with him. She gets "discovered" by some super awesome agent and ends up getting a career of her own. I managed to skip part of the movie here, but Jack and Ally get married. He continues with the drinking and some prescribed drug usage, she wins a Grammy. He drunkenly follows her on stage and pisses himself before basically passing out and getting sent to rehab. This apparently almost tanks Ally's career off-screen. When Jack gets back from rehab, Mr. Agent-Manager tells him to get the hell away from Ally before he self-destructs and drags her down with him. Jack ends up killing himself or ODing, it's ambiguous. Ally grieves. Ally sings a love song Jack wrote for her to an audience. It's all very depressing.

Now, my particular form of anxiety makes me think about things while I am attempting to fall asleep and this movie decided to stick around in my brain last night. I originally wrote a rant-y piece on my phone about how much I hate this movie and how the Grammy scene could have been avoided and how there's only one female character in the movie... yeah. It's actually kind of victim-blame-y and I'm not real sure how to classify drag queens so, I'm not going to repeat any of that here. It will suffice to say that I found A Star Is Born to be just the worst. Jack clearly has mental health issues -- and some physical ones -- that he drowns with liquor. I just don't know that we as an audience really needed to be along for that ride. Yes, it was sad, from a certain viewpoint. I'm over it.

I am over these stories of artists, or anyone really, getting tangled up in drink and drugs and ending up ODing or killing themselves. This is not what I want in my media. "Well that's real life. That's what happens. It's happened before." Yes, I am aware. I am very aware. It's happened recently enough with celebrities that I've looked up to. I still don't want it in my media. I'm allowed to be selective in what I consume, damnit. NOT TO MENTION this stigma about mental health problems. I understand that not everyone can or will get help and even that the help they do get doesn't translate into real life. But man, aren't there enough stories floating around out there about that exact issue? A Star Is Born is not the first or the last. It's better for my personal mental health if I don't dwell on these things like our "serious art" seems to want to. I'm not even sure these kinds of stories push people toward seeking the help they need... and I honestly don't know where I'm going with this, so I'm going to stop.

Uh, yeah. A Star Is Born is definitely not my thing. I resent my boyfriend for making me watch it. I plan to be much more firm in my decisions not to watch things I don't want to, cuz A Star Is Born is just stuck in my brain-pan now and I hate it.

On a much more serious note: If you do have mental health problems, please, please, please seek help. If not for yourself, do it for your loved ones.